Street Corner Confession

by Brenda Williams

11 “The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not a sinner like everyone else. For I don’t cheat, I don’t sin, and I don’t commit adultery. I’m certainly not like that tax collector!”

13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, ‘O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.’” Luke 8:11, 13 (NLT)

I am someone who is very familiar with negative self-talk -- what woman doesn’t struggle with that voice in her head telling her she’s not spiritual enough, thin enough, organized enough, or is a horrible mother? I also struggle with the Pharisee attitude, I just don’t usually stand on a street corner to do it. Nope, it’s inside my head: Wow, these Hollywood types are really messed up. My friends are getting a divorce. Someone at church is not living the Christian life as I define it. I’m SO glad my child didn’t turn out like theirs.

According to Jesus, I am more likely to be reconciled with the Father if I have wandered far away, royally messed up and then truly laid my black heart out before Him, than if I live a churchgoing yet self-absorbed, smug existence. I will be justified in His eyes only if I learn from the outcast tax collector, who beat his chest in grief and shame and couldn’t even lift his eyes to heaven. I’m getting the message that instead of self worth, what I should be aiming for is self truth -- seeing myself as I really am in the eyes of The One Who Matters, asking forgiveness, and doing what it takes to make sure His heart and mine are united.

Father, I am no better than anyone else out there in Your world. Please help me to daily seek your forgiveness and grace and to look to You for the true understanding of who I am.

Drowning with Land in Sight

by Billy Williams

Mark 4:38, 40 (NLT)

38 Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?”

⁴⁰Jesus asked his disciples, "Why were you afraid? Don't you have any faith?"

I wish I could say the title to this post was original; actually I lifted it from an album by the 77's. If you have never heard the 77's you have not yet lived. I have walked with Christ since I was a sophomore in high school and many times felt like I was drowning with land in sight while Jesus slept in the boat. I think we read this passage with a prejudice against the disciples. Silly men, that is Christ in the boat with you - how dare you have no faith? But consider this: at that point they were living without the benefit of knowing the end of the story...like we do. How would I have fared in this situation? Remember these were fishermen, they lived on the sea and knew that water well. It must have been a pretty big storm to rattle them.

The story I see here is still played out every day in my own life. Sometimes I fail to see the big picture. I think Jesus was in the boat asleep because He knew that nothing could keep Him from fulfilling his mission. Maybe the disciples should have followed His example and taken a nap while enjoying the ride. The question He posed wasn't so much "Do you really think I would let you drown?" as much as it was "Do you not trust God to fulfill His mission in you?" I have to keep in mind that even if I feel I am drowning with land is sight, God sees the bigger picture and will always make good His plan.

Jesus, let me rest in the knowledge that You have a plan for my life that will not be altered by storms.

Practice Makes Better (Not Perfect)

by Brenda Williams

Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

--Philippians 4:9 (NLT)

I think I’ve stumbled onto a hard truth. Well, more like eased into it. After struggling with my own lack of discipline and asking God WHY I don’t have a desire to open His Word and spend time with Him in prayer … after hearing my pastor over and over again talk about "advanced decision-making" and choosing to do the hard things … after facing my own laziness and then finally sitting down and making myself actually read the Bible and spend time in prayer and reflection … I might finally have it.

It stands to reason that when something doesn't come naturally (and maybe even when it does), you have to practice to become good at it and then to stay good at it. And if you don’t, your lack of benefit and enjoyment are your own fault. Reading Paul’s words here in a new way made me realize this truth also applies to the things of faith. I'm reminded of the quote from one of my favorite “chick” movies, Pride and Prejudice, when Eliza Bennett admonishes Mr. Darcy for claiming to not have a talent for conversation and compares it to her own lack of skill on the piano: “…I have always supposed it to be my own fault," she said, " because I would not take the trouble of practising.”

So I need to own up to the fact that it is my own fault. No wonder I struggle to enjoy my quiet time and grow in my faith. How can I? I am not investing in it!

Father, forgive my lack of discipline. Strengthen my determination to invest my time and my heart in the practice of my faith. Help me direct my mind to thoughts of the good, righteous, true and lovely, and let me reap the benefits of your peace and presence. Amen.

The Act of Believing

“She worshiped God, and he opened her mind to pay attention to what Paul was saying.“ Acts 16:14 (NCV)

by Brenda Williams

The act of worship and belief are described so simply and seem so easy for those people I read about in God’s pages. She worshiped. He opened her mind. Is it really that simple? Why is there struggle for me, even today?

In my youth it was easy to believe in something -- the magic of Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, that my eyes would stay crossed if I kept “doing that,” or even that Jesus had been born as a baby, came to earth, died for my sins and would someday take me to live with him in heaven. One by one my childhood beliefs were challenged and of course, some fell by the wayside. As I grew, that made it harder to actually put my whole heart, faith and trust even in things my mind knows are true. My point being that my belief in Christ today is a different kind of belief.

Speaking as someone who has actually “heard” God’s voice saying something specific to me (not once, but twice), you would think experiencing God at that level would permanently erase all doubts. It has … but it also left me to wonder and worry why I don’t experience Him that way all the time. Why it is so hard to worship and focus and praise and read my Bible? Why is it so hard to believe that the good news of the Bible really applies to me? Why wasn’t I given the gift of belief, if such a gift exists?

The act of believing takes some willpower! I find I have to remind myself of God’s grace and mercy every day; actually, every minute. So it’s not the same as when I was a child, but it’s where I am now and I DO believe that God knows where I am and is right here with me.

Lord, I believe You are with me, even in the midst of my daily struggles to believe and apply your word. I believe in You; help me in my unbelief. Amen.

Shadows & Mirrors

by Brenda Williams

3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. - Colossians 3:3-4 (NIV)

I recall one of the final chapters in C.S. Lewis’ “The Chronicles of Narnia” books speaking of the Shadowlands -- the idea that this world, in all its beauty, glory and mystery, is a mere shadow of the heaven to come. That the reality we currently see is as hazy as a reflection in a pond, compared to the real splendor that awaits. And that once we arrive in God’s domain, all will be revealed.

1 Corinthians 13 paints this image and no doubt inspired Lewis’ theme, declaring that now we see through a glass darkly but one day will see with wide open eyes, face to face. Our life -- not this clumsy, blurry, faulty existence but real life -- awaits us and promises to surpass our hopes, wishes and dreams.

That life is hidden in Christ for now, so while we live and breathe and cry and shop and get our cars fixed and rage about government spending … that perfect, authentic life is elusive. It‘s just beyond the mirror and our fingers can‘t touch it, our eyes can‘t focus on it. I often wonder if we will ever see it. But God’s promise says at the perfect moment, Christ will appear to fulfill and reveal the life we’ve entrusted to Him. It’s been in His hands since the beginning and we can hardly wait.

Out of Focus

By Brenda Williams

Romans 7:13 (MSG)
Sin simply did what sin is so famous for doing: using the good as a cover to tempt me to do what would finally destroy me.

I pondered the plight of a friend today as I read this verse. My friend was confronted with sin in a loved one’s life -- and the loved one did not agree that it posed any danger; their choices seemed harmless and perfectly acceptable to them. How could this happen, my friend wanted to know; she thought her loved one knew better.

Insidious sin is just that -- lurking, hiding, waiting for you to relax and acquiesce to the half-truths and dismiss the full truth. It’s possible that wrapped in the layers of what seem to be goodness and light and understanding are the tiny, inch-by-inch steps that lead to ultimate Darkness. In the face of right and wrong, sometimes our sense of wrong is diminished and blurred by daily exposure and cultural acceptance.

So are we doomed, unable to protect ourselves from being fooled by what looks like benign benefit? Not so! God’s word says even though we falter and fail, if we have His Spirit living in us and focus our being on Him instead of ourselves -- our own understanding -- we are free from being condemned, free from worry about our lack of discernment, free to see things clearly, to enjoy the good, to live and fulfill our promise and His vision.

God, help me to focus on You and allow Your Spirit to help me see the good from the feel-good, and discern Your life from sin’s deception.

My Pregnant Condition

by Billy Williams

Romans 8:26-27 (MSG) Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God.

I know all too well the “wordless sighs and aching groans” of my spirit. Lying awake at night, my mind spinning and churning in the worries of the day past and the day ahead. I want to pour it all out in a conversation between me and my Maker but I cannot make enough sense of it to form even the simplest sentence. Can God make sense of all that I am thinking if I can’t even bring it to Him? Does my lack of focus dismay or confuse God?

I think not. My ability to put thoughts and words together has absolutely no bearing on God’s ability to understand my needs, worries or thoughts. “He knows us better than we know ourselves...” I can remember so many times in my early Christian walk well-intentioned people trying to “teach” me how to pray... “Here is the formula,” “This is how Jesus prayed;” one kind soul just told me to say The Lord’s Prayer over and over -- you can’t go wrong there. But I need a deeper prayer life, one that lays me at the feet of God. Actually, God went one better and gave me His Spirit to present me before Him and interpret my senseless babble and random thoughts.

God, let me take advantage of Your Spirit and feel the freedom to express the weight of my prayers through wordless sighs and aching groans, knowing that You hear and understand me. Amen.